This morning greeted me with a foggy head stumbling to the coffee pot while trying to shake off last night's awful dream in which I was still married to my ex-husband. I wondered in my dream state how that was possible when I left him nearly four years ago and have been living happily with a man who knows when to stop drinking and doesn't call me his "old lady."
I sat there sipping my coffee, bleary eyed and agitated, while I listened to the rain. It was a quiet kind of rain. The kind that almost sounds like someone saying "hush." The kind that demands to be felt and appreciated. The kind of rain that has the power to bring you back into the moment or send you back in time.
I've always loved the rain for many reasons, but today, I loved it solely for it's ability to wash away a world I felt trapped in. The dream clung to me longer than usual, but the relief I felt upon waking was so strong the dream lost it's power over me. It reminded me how far I've come, how I conquered the limits I set for myself as a young woman doomed to make the same mistakes as her mother. I broke away from that template for life and made my own way.
I, like my mother, married young and started a family barely out of high school. I followed in her footsteps in many ways. And like her, I found myself myself married to a man who was unfaithful, drank heavily, (my father abused drugs rather than alcohol) and believed that the wife belonged at home where he could be sure she wouldn't meet someone that could treat her better. Even when I realized that I deserved more I was afraid of breaking away and living for myself and my children. I didn't know how. I was never given the proper tools to be on my own.
Almost six years ago, I made the decision (much to his dismay) to go to college. As I finished my associates degree I was spending more and more time on campus, making excuses not to go home. At that time he was laid off work and the kids were in school. I wouldn't go home until the kids got home. I didn't want to be alone with him. He had grown increasingly pushy (to him, in marriage, no doesn't necessarily mean no). He was insecure and I was wounded by his unfaithfulness. Over time, I realized I didn't love him. I couldn't. So I finally made the decision I so desperately needed to make for me and my daughters. I needed to show them that women don't need to be controlled or kept in the shadows, that we have voices of our own, and can rise above the standards that have been set for us by the women that came before us.
I believe that our dreams tell us things we need to pay attention to. The dream I had last night is one that has haunted me for several months now and I think I finally know why.
Through quiet reflection I've come to see how strong I truly am. I graduated college and got a good job. I met someone who is my true match, someone who cares for me, asks for my opinion, dances with me, and shows my daughters how a real man should treat a woman.
My dream served as a reminder to be thankful for the life I now live and to always, always live the life I love. When the dream finally washed away with the rain (and the coffee) I felt such relief that it was just a dream. I'm not trapped in that life anymore. I simply had to open the door and step outside. And that's just what I did.
